Lately I have come across several situations where women are staying in jobs that they should leave. For many reasons that I want to explore here, these talented, smart women often do a massive disservice to themselves by sticking it out for too long. And they bear the consequences, which is felt too late unfortunately. So my goal here is to expose all the reasons why we stay in those jobs too long, so that we can move on (or help someone we know in this situation).
Let me please frame this topic beforehand: I’m talking here about individuals who have significant work experience, therefore very skilled in their role. They have been in their job or at their company for a few years. I’m not talking about people who change jobs often, or have recently started in a new role. Naturally in those instances, I would advise people to stay in their jobs longer.
So here is the scene: the job isn’t fulfilling anymore for those women. They are no longer challenged, or have run out of passion for what they do. It could be that the workload has become unbearable. Or the company culture is clashing with their style and values, which they are now confident in. Whatever the symptoms, the feelings are always the same: a lack of motivation, high stress levels, anger outbursts and possibly a decline in performance over time. Did I mention they might take it out on their family members?
You get it. From the outside, this isn’t a great place to be and for anyone not involved the answer would seem pretty simple: get out. However, those very intelligent women stick it out. Why? Let me explore the five key reasons I have observed and how to overcome them.
First up, we stay because we think leaving equals losing. We are afraid of losing our financial security, the perks of the job like cars, bonuses and equipment. All those material things are very powerful in keeping us hooked onto a company no matter what (employers know it, that’s why they provide them…!). We are also fearful of losing face. What would others think? Or thoughts like ‘if I give up, it will look like they have won and that’s unfair’. Finally we love our stability, going to a job every week which makes us feel like we belong.
Now here is the truth about being afraid of losing: you are actually losing other things by thinking this way. Your health, your relationships, your mental peace and your energy can all potentially suffer. So think of what holds most value to you. Would you rather save your company car or save your health? Is being a mother always on the verge of blowing up what you want to be at home? Suddenly, leaving might sound like gaining improvements in other areas.
Secondly, we like to stick it out because we are amazing warriors. We have accumulated over the years and through life events so much resilience and strength that we are (seemingly) unbreakable. We keep rising up after being down, and even see some of our issues as challenges to get through. ‘I can do this’ is our motto, and when comparing with others in the same boat, we all support each other. Well that is resilience going too far in my book. Eventually something will give in, because we are humans i.e. vulnerable and imperfect. And often what gives in is our health: our mental commands our body so strongly that the latter has no other options than to start shutting down.
Thirdly, there are amongst us wonderful carers with a big heart and lots of kindness. Because you care so much, you don’t want to let anybody down. You just think it’s your duty to keep going out of loyalty, moral sense or consideration for others. That is all very nice, but the cold hard truth here is that your company will never match your kindness. Businesses don’t have hearts, they make money. We all need regular reminders of this. Yes you can be kind to the people around you at work, but don’t be kind to your organisation. It will never pay you back.
The next reason is another big one for many women, and one I fell victim of in the past. We are maximisers, lovers of great performance and want to do so well. So this turns us into people who keep going to meet our own high standards and to get that ‘tick’ showing we are doing great. We have been conditioned to succeed, so anything less looks like a failure which is a straight impossibility. Our minds leave us no other choice than to keep going, because literally we can’t even see another option. That’s a tough one to break. And whilst we are working hard, we are never compensated for the good work. It’s sad but we are often the last ones to see the reality.
Finally we stay because we are scared of what else we could be doing. We either don’t know what it could be, or we are just afraid that it might not turn out well. That fear of the unknown or lack of clarity can hold us back monumentally to take our much-needed next step. If this is you, you are the ideal candidate for coaching. Find yourself a coach you resonate with, and get that support to work out what’s next for you. Friends and family can’t do this for you, as you might already have figured it out.
You can see how the reasons why you stay too long in a job are all positive attributes taken too far: too much material success, resilience, caring, brilliance, and career success. So if you are stuck in a job you don’t like anymore, first realise how much success and positive qualities you have built. That’s why you are there. Then ask yourself what is the real reason keeping you stuck. Once you know, you can decide to let it go and start planning what’s next. But you need to hear that switch in your head from what’s greatly working to what’s not. After taking the first small step out of where you are, things will get effortlessly easier.
