In my work I see women in their thirties and early forties who are stuck between a rock and a hard place. And they are so busy and spending their energy on so many fronts that overwhelm takes over. They so wish for another type of life, another type of work, but they can’t find the capacity to think clearly and to know where to start. So they keep pushing week in, week out, unsure if change will eventually happen. I’m writing today to give some guidance to these women amongst the madness, and some hope that the future ahead can be much better. It’s all about knowing how to get started from where you are.
Here is the typical situation I often see: a hard working woman, in a highly skilled job and not enjoying it. Management might drain her, and she knows her own value isn’t fully leveraged. She gets home and there is lots to do there too: housework, and sometimes dealing with a not-so-easy or not-so-helpful partner. Add to this looking after a couple of kids, sorting out activities or any kind of material matter. The mental load for this woman is simply huge, because she does 90% of the work and gets little help.
Given this high-intensity, high energy-consuming lifestyle, this smart woman goes on protective mode with her feelings and her own desires. She puts them last and carries on with admirable resilience and strength. This is good for everybody else, just not for her. One day she might implode or just stop. And she finds all kind of excuses to justify why not changing is probably the easiest thing to do: it would be too hard getting a job somewhere else, the family finances need security, the kids need her etc. And so it goes on for months. The overwhelm creates the perfect little storm for inaction, and meanwhile nothing improves.
So how on earth do you find the time to think and make decisions? How do you create change, when you are so caught up into a plethora of external things? The idea of reaching for outside help might sound inadequate, given you don’t even know what you personally want. I get it, not everybody has the luxury of having time, energy and money to think of what they want to do next. In fact most people don’t, which makes the process even more challenging. So how do you jump off that treadmill and make a start?
Here is my little piece of wisdom if this is you, by Denise Duffield-Thomas: “the stars never align, you align the stars.” It all starts with you making the decision to look at change. You need to feel that you are no longer willing to continue the same way, rain or shine. You need to want it with your guts. And you need to allow yourself to want this in the first place. That is the first step, and a huge one for many of us. Seriously, why wait for years? If you don’t decide, your kids will become teenagers by the time you try convincing yourself of changing. And trust me, it will feel like way more work then.
Then start thinking the other way: what is it that you want? Not what is possible. Start from you, and design the wish list from there. If you don’t spend time crafting what the goal looks like for you, it will never happen as you will never align the right stars. If you can’t think of what you want, go back to the previous step because you are not letting yourself have it. And if you stay stuck here, you definitely need a coach to help you stop and think about yourself.
Once you know what work you want to do, you can start mapping out little step by step what to do next. It won’t feel as overwhelming as when you didn’t know. Once you start taking action, you will discover new opportunities. Or suddenly new ways of thinking will open up to you. And you might get stuck again, letting doubts and fears get in your way. That’s when it’s the best time to get external help like a coach or a mentor.
So when you are stuck in your job, and sometimes in your life overall, there is no silver bullet. No pill that will change things overnight just like you want. But there is a trigger, and it’s your decision. You will only realise once you have decided to change, that this is the way to get started. And the best way to do this is to create a little bubble of space for yourself in your calendar. Go for a walk, leave the house for two hours on the WE, sit in a park or get somewhere early and grab a coffee alone.
You owe it to yourself, and the strength to do something for yourself will kick in. Because you have the energy right now, you are just not directing it at yourself. It’s time to direct your smarts to the benefit of your own career goals. You will figure things out once you know where you are headed. I hope you will see that it is your time, and you will find just that little bit of space to get started.
