We all have these encounters in our work life. A person we just don’t get on with, or someone that we rub off the wrong way unintentionally. They are there in every job, every company!… Fact of life. And you feel how much they really annoy you, even when they are not around. So how do you deal with personalities different from yours?
First of all, let me preface that I am not talking here about abusive types of work relationships – like bullying or harrasment. These are unacceptable practices, and you need to seek help if you are facing them. I am talking here about people that get under your skin. It starts early, and as time goes by you see the same pattern over and over, and you just put these people in the ‘difficult’ basket. You don’t always have to make it work, but most times you do – especially if they are your staff members, suppliers you have appointed or your bosses.
So what to do to go from being frustrated by someone to accepting them and building trust? Step one is to split the person from the fact. We automatically translate the behaviour we observe into a judgement about the person. This can be totally wrong. If someone gets angry or is lazy for instance, it does not mean they are a bad person. So start seeing everyone as their own soul, plus their work cover of the day. What you dislike is usually the work cover bit.
Secondly and that’s the most important thing, you need to see things from their perspective. Think of what may be going on for them right now. Ian MacLaren says it perfectly: “everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about”. This is so true. Their battle might be about their health, their relationship, family, finances… Or they could suffer from a lot of insecurities, low self-esteem or not feeling worthy. So be compassionate for whatever may be going on. And just for one minute wonder what it would be like to be in their shoes.
Once you have created respect for whatever is going on for the other person and who they are, it’s time to find a common ground. There is always one. Find that common goal you align on, be it the client or the product you work on. What’s the bridge between you and that person? This can be work-related or not at all. Do you both share challenges with your kids? Your partners? Being expatriate? Having a terrible mother-in-law?! Do you both enjoy eating out, travelling or reading? It does not take long to find something you can both relate to and create a connection. Take that person out for coffee and talk about things outside of your project. Ask about their WE’s or their evening. Keep digging until you find something you can hook onto.
After finding a connecting point, things will get much easier for both of you. At least they will get manageable, because there is a base in the relationship for the trust to grow. The final point is that you have to be OK with not getting on with everybody well. You will naturally click with some people, who share your energy, communication style and interests. And with some others, it will take more effort and consideration. So be clear on why you need to make some efforts with specific people who are stakeholders for you at work. And don’t invest any thought or effort into the relationships that are not paramount. You cannot be liked by everybody, because that would make you very beige and very boring.
Lastly if you are interested in understanding the dynamics between you and that other person, you can also look at the situation with the lense of strengths. Think of what are their strengths at work, and what are yours. Can you see how these could possibly collide? Then based on that knowledge, what could you do differently at your next meeting with them? In the end, I like to see personal differences at work as a little challenge to learn more about myself and try something new.
So you get it, we are all different and we will continually find people we are challenged by at work. Next time you spot one, think ‘OK, here we go, this is just lifel!’. And use the steps above to diffuse your emotions and find a workable solution. If you have any further tips, feel free to share them in the comments box below. Happy getting on’ with your coworkers!
