Not all paths lead to work-life balance – what’s yours?

We aren’t all equal when it comes to work-life balance. I mean about our chances of getting it, based on our circumstances. As I work with women from different backgrounds, family set ups and work situations, I got to realise that some are better off, whilst others are worse off. So what does it take?

Let me start with the most frequently found situation I encounter – which might be yours. One partner (usually the man) is working full-time, in a demanding job, with often unpredictable hours. The other partner handles the vast majority – if not all- of the child care and domestic duties. Whilst working in some capacity, or in between jobs. This is the typical situation inherited by us women taking our dads’ jobs, but retaining our mothers’ jobs at the same time.

It isn’t working fine in 99% of cases. And often results in internalised frustration, stressed parents and no personal time. But we are pushing through as best as we can, and console ourselves seeing that we aren’t the only ones in it. This is worsened by the fact that some of us have no local help – in the form of relatives – following a move or migration. The most liveable option in this scenario remains in the outsourcing of home and child care duties, if you can afford it. Otherwise home and kids duties have to start being more equally shared – thankfully a necessity that is gradually being understood nowadays.

At the other end of the spectrum, we see albeit less frequently the opposite: a woman invested in her career, with a supportive partner who has scaled down or isn’t working to handle things on the home front. Work-life balance is very good in this arrangement for women, as long as they get to see their kids enough. It looks like more and more dads are trialling out this experience, and finding it rewarding.

And there are a couple of ‘in-between- combinations that tend to provide more equal work opportunities for both partners. It could be being business partners with balanced schedules to equally manage the load at home and the kids. The combination of a day job + a side job outside of hours also works out quite well between parents. Or like in my case having both parents working flexibly across the weekdays, compromising some of their career aspirations to get balance instead.

At the end of the day, the best solutions I’ve seen are those tailored to you and your household. Taking into account the various needs at each point in time, and often letting go of the ‘what will people think‘ question. Staying true to yourself, and building your weeks based on what feels good rather than what is ‘right’.

The worse thing you can do is being in a tough situation in terms of balance and pretending it’s fine. Nothing good ever comes out of this, on the contrary. And any kind of well-being issue usually reveals the limits of this model. Take it as a sign to make some changes, and discuss options with your partner. Kids by extension are also a powerful barometer reflecting the state of our work-life balance – like it or not.

So I encourage you to adopt a trial & error method when it comes to getting balance. That’s how you learnt it the first time you walk. It takes tweaks, slips and another go. The worse you can do is not trying, or staying put. There are other options, even if you aren’t seeing or considering them now. Always.

And balance in your household takes on the principles of teamwork: openness, communication, mutual respect and building on each other. That is both a decent challenge and a huge reward once you get there.